In early February, a sequence of events in the Pioneer Rooms, colloquially known as “The Pio Rooms,” raised concerns among the Transylvania community. It all began with Transylvania’s chapter of the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity’s annual philanthropy event: Sigatoni’s. The faux-fine dining Italian experience was going as planned when students began to notice something that most reasonable students would overlook.
In a seemingly unprecedented move, prior to opening Sigatoni’s for that year, the setup within the Pio Rooms had received a health inspection. Later, sources within Delta Sigma Phi would claim that the health inspector had received anonymous tips about possible violations even before the temporary restaurant had been set up (many would cast blame on the meddling of members of the rival Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity). While Sigatoni’s had no previous standard to compare to, patrons to the event were shocked at the failing score of 86.
While an 86 would score as a “B” on your final exam, this score is closer to a “D” in the eyes of health inspectors, and a far more realistic final exam grade for most readers. More curious was the fact that the inspection notice was blocked from view for large portions of the night by Sig members intentionally standing in front of it, who would yell incomprehensible gibberish in a mediocre Italian accent at anyone who approached the notice.
Once revealed, the health code inspection listed a multitude of violations, including Temperature Control for Safety, Food Sources, Toilet and Handwashing Facilities, and Sewage. A few non-standard additions were made to the inspection notice. In what could be interpreted as an attempt at emphasis, the box marking a failure for Good Hygienic Practice was marked down multiple times and circled with a red marker. Additionally, the boxes for Insect, Rodent & Animal Control and Personnel were both marked, and a line was drawn connecting the two. It is unclear what the health inspector was trying to communicate with this gesture.
While members of Delta Sigma Phi were quick to dismiss the score as “not a big deal,” some Sigatoni’s patrons may disagree. There have been reports that Sigatoni’s patrons who ordered the Mushroom Bolognese experienced psycho-hallucinogenic effects shortly after leaving the event (though this matter is being investigated separately). There has been at least one documented report of poisoning arising from the event, that being from the Rambler’s own Editor-in-Chief, Katie Axon.
Axon, who is still recovering from the incident, reported that she chose to dine at Sigatoni’s that evening to save a meal swipe. Axon’s waiter for that evening happened to be former Rambler Editor in Chief Jack Thomas. While some witnesses to the scene believed they saw Thomas slip something into Axon’s food, the Rambler has not confirmed these reports. All that is known is that when the health inspection notice was revealed, Thomas ran over to the notice, wrote the numbers 1 and 9 on either side of the score, and claimed that the notice was merely a reminder of the year 1869 when Delta Sigma Phi was founded (Thomas did not respond to Rambler requests for comment when he was told that Delta Sigma Phi was in fact founded in 1899). Thomas then fled the scene and has not been seen since.
When visiting the hospital after the poisoning, Axon’s doctor informed her that an abnormal number of Transy students had recently been admitted for treatment, including one who had been injured in a yet to be solved hit and run. Katie decided to share this with her peers, and replies began flooding in. The common thread? All those who had been injured in some way had “crossed’ Jack Thomas. This raises many especially alarming questions. Will Jack Thomas ever be caught? How many more untold victims of his crimes are out there? Will Transy ever again be able to have a faux-fine dining Italian experience hastily set up in a mixed-use event space? What crimes against humanity did Thomas commit at the Great Bowls of Fire event? There are many questions still left unanswered, and only time will tell what is to come of this situation.
The Rambler will continue to cover this story as necessary, and hopefully, someday, this menace to the campus community will face justice.
Note: This is a satirical article created by The Rambler to celebrate April Fools’ Day 2025. The events described in the above article are purely fictional.
